She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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