I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
