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please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
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