I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..