This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
