I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
