do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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