Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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