I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
