last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
