Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
