This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
