Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
