Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
A+ Viking dick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
