Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
