remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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