Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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