you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
