Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
