I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
they're like a gay fantastic four
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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