I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
