i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Randomize
