Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
