What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
