Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We left the knife in your bed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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