i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
