K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
