Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
