I met the friendliest cop last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
