I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
