The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
