I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
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I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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