You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
