After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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