wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
