In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
