4 words: hood of his car
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
