I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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