He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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