Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
