saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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