There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
