As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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