My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
