In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
