This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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