Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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