im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
