make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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