I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
