Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize