I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
