So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
