Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
