Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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