I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
